What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just move on already? I mean seriously, especially now were there isn't a snowball's chance in hell that we're ever going to be more than friends... well sort of friends I mean the most interaction we've had with eachother is talking on Facebook and Church, which the latter does not apply now for at least two months and maybe not ever again because guess what he has a kid! A kid that the chic he screwed didn't bother to tell him he had for almost a year! What. The. Hell. Seriously. That's just wrong I'm sorry,well and then there's the fact it might not even be his kid because they broke up, called off their engagement more than nine months ago and just cuz the kid has red hair doesn't mean it's automatically your kid cuz you do. But anyways so I assume he and said chic will be getting back together... it is the right thing to do despite the fact her Mother freaking hates him and that's why they didn't get married in the first place.

I need some dashing dark and mysterious man to come strolling into my life and keep me out out of this ever growing Soap Opera that I am witness to.

End of rant.

I’m falling in the dismal light of the sun, just falling and not sure if landing is even possible. What I fell from I have no idea, but I just keep on falling… falling. Falling through different spectrums of light and color, there is no sound. I don’t even hear myself breathing, perhaps I am dead. Or maybe I have finally become that nothingness that I fear, the only thing I fear is being nothing… nothing at all.

The air ripples like the surface of the pond as a pebble slips beneath it; there is comfort in this endless chain. I reach forth to grab onto something, anything to stop my descent… but nothing is there. I am alone and yet I’m not.

I don’t want to hear the silence. I part my lips to scream and music flows when there should be terror instead. My darkness is my light and my depth is shallow. I am everything, but oh so humble am I, a selfless creature wanting only to rule the world.

I am complicated, yet simple only to others who cannot see inside. I am layered, I am bare and bleeding before only you but you are blind, you never see. Ah, but the fool is me… for where I lead none will follow and I blame them not.

When does it end, this thoughtless ramble? When will I finally bloom and my moment dawn? Will it be now? Or will it be then? Will there ever truly be a then? For there is never a tomorrow, only yesterday.

I go on and on never ceasing, I am fallen.

Am I even real? Perhaps it’s just an illusion, a play without a script. But there can never be a dream without a dreamer.

Reach for me and do not fear, for I am no angel I’m just a little insane and on a journey, care to come and walk with me?

Sorry for my absence as of late... things have been hairy. But all is good, or well okay at least now. How is everyone else?

I've been having a lot of thoughts running amok lately both positive and negative. I've felt extremely lost lately which is quite the broken record with me, thus I am looking for ways to get rid of said broken record and move on. I'm also working on losing companion broken records such as feeling out of place and I'm never going to do anything with my life, I need to remember that sometimes it's the journey that counts most, not reaching the destination.

I'm also working on finding more work or a new job... which isn't easy right now in small town USA, thoughts of relocating have come to mind but I know now is not the time for that, I need to be here for whatever reason.

On a fun note I've been getting reaquainted with some of my favorite movies from my childhood, namely The Last Unicorn and Labyrinth. I used to live on this flicks when I was six and they are still awesome even now (though I'll admit that Labyrinth is awesome for obvious reasons, it's the only movie/what have you that Bowie has ever been actually sexy in.) and it's fun to escape to fantastical haunts now and then to get away from the world.

Speaking of fantastical haunts, Halloween is coming up soon and I can't wait! I've already got the inside decorated and the outside will be going up this weekend sometime. :) Pictures will hopefully happen... that is if I can borrow my Dad's camera since mine broke last month.

Anyways, I hope everyone is well and hopefully I can be better at posting on here from now on.

Ever feel like you've lost something, but you aren't quite sure what? I feel like that a lot, I've been feeling like that more often than not... thing is I can't figure out what I'm missing. Something has changed, I can feel it, sense it and I know it's time even if I don't want it to be. The last few months I've been trying to hold on to things I've known for a while I've needed to let go of. It's strange isn't it? To let go of something to feel complete... such a strange concept.

I'm tired of being lost while standing and staring at the cross roads before me, I know I need to endure and that I need to pick a direction... but it's not easy. But life was never meant to be easy now was it? Sometimes I wish it was. I'm tired, I'm restless and I'm afraid. But it's time to let go.
 In a very strong sense I am alone in this, but never lonely if that makes sense. I'm never truly alone, but I'm still very lonely and I know the reasons why. But I must ask myself, what is love without pain? And isn't better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Easier said than done of course, but there's logic there in those words.

I need to stop dwelling on what ifs and start doing. I need to be, not wonder what I could be. It's time for reality and not day dreams... it's time to live. Oh it will be an adjustment to be sure, but it will be worth it in the end I'm sure... I hope. See? There I go doubting, I really need to stop doing that. I need to learn to trust in myself and to believe in myself, two things that haven't come too easily for me at all. It's hard to keep struggling up the mountain when you keep getting knocked back down it every so often, but I'm not alone... this doesn't just happen to me and I don't have it as difficult as many.

I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, I know.

I know...

I know...

I know...

...

I hate fighting with myself. I hate it. I hate the conflict, the fact it ruins my sleep and so that I'm tired... I don't like arguing with myself over something and making it a mountain out of a pissy little ant hill. Why do I do this to myself over things I frankly have no control over is beyond me... one would think I'd have learned by now but apparently not. Grr.

I swear last night and this morning I could hear my brain and my heart arguing, it went something like this:

Brain: You're nuts, you know that right? We've been here before and we both know how this is going to end.

Heart: So? Maybe it will be different this time.

Brain: Oh don't make me laugh.

Heart: You're too logical, you only see things one way.

Brain: Yeah, you really are a glutton for punishment aren't you.

Heart: It's like talking to a brick wall.

Brain: No kidding. Look I just have your best interests in mind here, I don't want you broken again...

Heart: I know, but... I keep holding out ya know?

Brain: I know, but still let me take the reins on this one this time.

Heart: But maybe...

Brain: Maybe nothing, seriously be realistic here.

Anyhow it went on and on and on like this for hours I swear until I was all look I have control over both of you so shut up will ya. I'm a lost cause, I'm even annoying myself with all of this crap. I need to stop, I need to just let things go where they may and deal with it... am I right?

This week started off well... for the most part. Someone has come back into my life yet again and has tried his same old tricks once more, but this time I haven't stepped into them at all, I've either deleted his posts off of my Facebook or I haven't reacted the way I used to. We ended up having a nice conversation via Facebook comments last night, I was rather surprised to be honest, but I do not have my hopes up about anything between us.

Yesterday (Thursday) I ended up having a very strong attack from my IBS... I got sick at work. It sucked and I made a lot of people worry, which bugs me. I have issues with people worrying about me, I feel guilty about it.

Also as I think I mentioned before, my family is in the process of tiling part of the house, everything but the bedrooms. Joy. But on the plus side I get to goto Salt Lake City while said tiling is being done. Woohoo! So right now I'm in the process of making travel mixes to listen to on the trip so no one that's going will feel like their music is left out.

Sorry this is a short entry, but at least it's something considering I've been slacking on the blog/journal front lately.

It all started Monday when I was rather careless and jumped into a pool at a BBQ/Pool Party into the part where the bottom starts sloping down to the deep end, landed on my right foot and proceeded to sprain it and stripped all the tendons and such from the bone. I checked it right after I did it, had a friend look at it and all seemed well until I tried to get out of the pool, the instant I went to put weight on it I just about died from the pain. Due to this I'm now going two weeks without any work... well I've got one day on Thursday but I get to close, I hate closing but oh well. Also because of this I fear I've royally screwed up a friendship, we haven't talked almost all week... I feel terrible and yet also conflicted as well. This situation was out of my hands a little, I mean I didn't mean to sprain my foot (which I had no idea you could do... learn something new everyday. Meh.) and I had to stay off of it for a few days, I'm just barely getting back on it normally right now, well actually I started getting on it normally yesterday, but yet I know she's not very happy with me because I haven't posted like clockwork... but there was confusion there too (and no Shae this isn't you or Ray). Anyhow yeah, this has been a craptastic week, here's hoping next week improves ALOT.

EDIT: Found out why friend has been silent, she's been busy and then a so called friend of hers freaking attacked her friday I think it was. She called me last night and told me, glad to know she's alright except for a lot of bruises. My thoughts and prayers are with her.

Sorry I've been basically quiet on here, I've wanted to post but just haven't been able to get myself to do it, yay for procrastination.
 
Anyhow so I deleted my Myspace... I really had stopped looking at it a while ago and honestly Facebook is way more fun in my opinion. I'm also trying to find balance and equal time for everything and everyone... not an easy task, but I'm working on it. It's probably going to be a work in progress for a while.

The summer hasn't been bad so far, not too hot yet but it's starting to climb now. Joy. I think I need to get out in the sun more, I'm extremely pale, might need to work on that. Also we're getting tile in the house, fun. I was against the idea at first but now I've sort of warmed up to it, only thing I'm not warmed up to is having to pack up everything in the kitchen and dining room and move it. But as a bonus for all the hard work I'll be doing my Mom, My Aunt and I, possibly my Grandma too will get to go Salt Lake for a few days and goto the zoo and fun stuff like that. Pictures will of course get shared.

Other than that life isn't bad, though I keep thinking about a particular guy that I wish I wouldn't because it'll never happen and I need to be realistic and get my mind to do the same. He keeps popping up very relugarly in my dreams and somehow gets randomly mentioned in conversations or his name will pop up due to the fact it's rather common and it's like aaah!! No, stop I don't need this.

So how is everyone else out there?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqFXZMdpMuk

Just a quick post, because it's killing me to sit up straight right now. Hopefull that improves later, but anyways apparently I've got a bladder infection from hell. Had it since yesterday and it's really screwing with my IBS, joy of joys so anyways I'm going to be okay I do feel better than I did yesterday so hopefully tomorrow will be an even bigger improvement. Only thing that sucks is no meeting Laurell K. Hamilton and getting my copy of Skin Trade signed tonight, bummer. :(